THE curse of an advanced deadline meant that the glossy magazines again missed the story that ordinarily would have been splashed all over their covers: the topless pictures of Kate Middleton. Kate is there, but instead of the outrage, analysis and inevitable speculation on whether that was a baby bump just below the royal cleavage, what we have is the usual fluff. And, with hindsight, how funny it is.
Grazia, for example, offers us ''A week in Kate's suitcase'', showcasing her ''fave fashion moments from the past seven days'', and yet there's no bikini. Woman's Day breathlessly reports that Prince William was such a gentleman he traded wine for water to share a toast with his alcohol-free wife in Singapore. No mention of his equally gentlemanly offer to make sure her backside had enough sunblock. And so on. This will, of course, be corrected next week, but in the meantime, the other celebs have to cop it.
Blake Lively, OK reports, has married her fiance Ryan Reynolds in a quickie ceremony so secret there simply must have been a reason. ''It's not 100 per cent that she's already pregnant,'' OK quotes ''our insider'', but she ''told her family at the wedding that it's happening, if it hasn't already''. Ditto Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who are, NW says, back on. ''Word on the Hollywood street is that the tragic Twilight twosome are back on speaking terms and hurtling towards giving their romance a second chance.'' Hurtling! They say, Hurtling!!!
She's wearing his ring, his hat and his shirt, OK adds, neglecting to mention that's the kind of thing most guys would be terrified to see in an ex. Next she'll be wearing a skirt made of his toenail clippings. Or poor Taylor Swift, whose romance with Conor ''Yes I'm Part of That Family'' Kennedy is doomed, NW assures. Why? Because ''Taylor's actually quite kooky and weird''. Just the thing every young girl wants to be told. Perhaps she can seek advice from Woman's Day's new celebrity psychic to the stars, Mitchell Coombes, who makes his debut this week.
Mitch (can we call you Mitch? I sense the angels tell me no … you prefer Coombesy) missed out on a warning to any Capricorn duchesses to leave their tops on while sun-baking, but did offer a tip that a ''white sage smudge stick available from most new-age and health-food stores'' is just the ticket for a reader whose house is filled with negative energy. We look forward to passing on more of his (drum roll, please) sage advice.