While he has always been seen publicly as one of cricket's fun-loving and quirky characters, former Test spinner Brad Hogg has opened up about how retirement and a marriage breakdown led him to contemplate ending his life.
Hogg, the West Australian left-arm chinaman spinner who has joined the Melbourne Renegades for this summer's Big Bash League, has surprised former teammates with his raw admissions.
After seven Tests and being a key part of Australia's 2003 and 2007 winning World Cups, Hogg says he had no other option than to initially retire from all forms of cricket in 2007-08 in a bid to save his marriage to former wife, Andrea.
In his autobiography, The Wrong 'Un, to be released on Monday, Hogg details the depths he plummeted to in the next three years when, with the marriage over, he turned to alcohol and was unable to find contentment in an office job.
"I knew I was being a misery guts. I was even giving myself the shits. I'd meet someone and all I could talk about was how stuffed up my life was," he said.
"Sometimes I drove down to Fremantle to think about what was going on in my life. I parked my car at Port Beach and went for a walk. I'd stare out at the sea and think, I could swim out to that groyne, and if I make it back, fine. If I don't make it back ... well, hard luck. I was prepared to let fate decide. I was in a really dark space.
"I did that Fremantle drive four times. And each time I thought about doing something really drastic. Thinking and doing are two completely different things, thankfully, and there was never really a moment when I was going to take off my clothes and start swimming. It was more about contemplating what it would be like if I had decided to end it all. Nonetheless, it was frightening that I was having these negative thoughts on a regular basis."
Former teammate Mitchell Johnson told Fairfax Media he was saddened to learn about the revelations.
"You can see someone on TV and not really know what's going on in their life. As a professional sportsman, you can cop a fair bit. I guess that help probably wasn't there for him, by the sounds of it," he said.
In the book, Hogg described his marriage as being "icy cold" and said he and Andrea "were arguing all the time".
"Even being on tour didn't stop it from happening at long distance. Often I'd be copping an earful on the phone as I was leaving the hotel for the ground," he said.
"I know I am not the perfect man. I have made my fair share of errors. I still blame myself for the breakdown of my marriage because I know I wasn't the easiest person to communicate with or live with. One reason – and it was a big one – was that I had this overwhelming desire to play cricket for Australia. That's all I wanted to do. That's all I knew.
"Cricket was my addiction, and I was sometimes self-absorbed because of that. You have to be focused to attain your goals, and that means you can neglect others. But I felt so frustrated that I had played my whole career knowing my partner wasn't fully supportive of my ambition. I constantly had issues at home, and over the years we had briefly separated on numerous occasions. Those periods often coincided with the times when I got upset on the cricket field or did something stupid.
"I knew my wife was miserable, and that I was the cause of her unhappiness."
He wrestled with his emotions through what proved to be his final Test, against India at the SCG in 2008, chiding himself that "Hoggs don't quit".
"I couldn't fail at my marriage, at being a parent. I had made the mess and now I had to clean it up. I decided I had to try and make our marriage work. I was 37, and it was time for me to pursue a more ordinary life and get a proper job," he said.
"My bargaining chip in the forced retirement was to have another baby, which I hoped might be a son to whom I could pass down my family name of George."
Hogg, a former postman before his cricket career took off, had knee and shoulder problems during his final Test and says he had wanted to delay his retirement announcement so he could have surgery while still under contract.
"But she [Andrea] wanted me to announce my decision straightaway. I had to put the family first, she told me," he said.
Retirement would officially come a month later. Hogg said he met with then Australian coach Tim Nielsen and team manager Steve Bernard and, not wanting to hold a press conference, even found giving quotes for a press release to team media manager Lachie Patterson was a "horrible experience".
"'Are you sure you want to do this? You don't want to retire, do you?' Patterson said. 'No,' I admitted. I was in tears."
Hogg took an office job at Curtin University in business development and didn't pick up a bat or ball for three years. But he said he was "woefully underprepared" for an office role and was in and out of jobs over the three years.
"Sadly, but predictably, my marriage headed downhill very fast. Our daughter Erin was born, but as awesome as she is, I soon understood that a baby wasn't the solution for our frayed relationship. Within two years we were separated, and a costly divorce followed. I had failed. It had all been for nothing," he said.
Once he hit "rock bottom", Hogg began to list the things he wanted to achieve "and took the first step towards sobriety and purpose".
In January 2011, Hogg returned to cricket as a fill-in during WA Country Week and would make the leap back to grade cricket the following summer. He then received a call from Warriors coach Mickey Arthur about his interest in playing for the Perth Scorchers in the Big Bash. Having also found love again with Cheryl Bresland, a well known corporate entertainment manager, his life – and career – had been revived.
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* Brad Hogg - The Wrong 'Un, published by Nero, released on Monday. $29.99
